Monday, October 31, 2016

NaNoWriMo Approaching!

"What you write becomes who you are…so make sure you love what you write!"
~J.K.Rowling 

     November first marks the beginning of NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month! This is an event that I always revel in participating in, and since I was not able to last year I am even more excited about it. I haven't touched this blog in awhile, but will probably be blogging/vlogging my experiences with NaNo this year. I'm not doing a traditional NaNo in that I will not be starting blank. I will actually be revising the very first book I wrote during NaNoWriMo 2013. I've been working on this bad boy for three years, and this month I hope to make a polished enough version of it to submit or at least tuck away until I've honed my writing further.
My friend SRealms on Deviantart made this for me awhile back.

     I've made myself a chart of what I want to accomplish each day with a few days at the end of the month left if I don't accomplish each daily goal. I'm honestly really excited! I haven't been as into my writing as I'd like to, and I believe this is just the excuse I need to hop right back into it. My books and my characters are my life. This is really what I'm passionate about and hope to pursue as a career. So while this entry is short, you may see a lot more from me in terms of my NaNo 2016 journey! Lots of Love <3

Sunday, September 25, 2016

Fight Song

"Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
'Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me"
~Rachel Platten "Fight Song"

     As most people know, I absolutely adore Rachel Platten. I love her music, her message, and who she is as a person. I discovered her music through my mother during one of the most difficult periods of my life. We left my father, I was in and out of hospitals for mental illness, and I was falling apart faster than I had before. Her song "Fight Song" holds so much value to me because it reminded me to fight when I otherwise didn't want to. Every night before bed, when I could, I'd listen to "Fight Song." It would be to remind myself waking up was worth it.

     I'm sharing this now, because if you read my last blog post you know that I'm really struggling. My brain is attacking me more than usual, and I'm terrified. I'm afraid because all I want is to die. I want the pain to end. I don't want to have to deal with all of the horrors anymore. I don't want to fight.
My queen at the concert in March.
     Yet she continues to inspire me. Rachel Platten reminds me that I have something to fight for. I have a life to live, things to do, and people to inspire. She's an artist, and so am I. We have different mediums, but we're both just using our passions to express ourselves and touch people's hearts in anyway we can. She's a gorgeous soul who goes out of her way to help people and express her love. Sure, I don't know her personally as is usually the case with celebrities, but she's made a difference in my life. "Fight Song" is my song. "Stand By You" is my song with one of my best friends. "Superman" is my song with my mom. "Congratulations" reminds me of my father. Her music speaks to me.

     I will forever be grateful for this woman, and as I'm writing this I'm listening to "Fight Song" on repeat, because I am depressed. I hate myself, I'm angry at myself, and I want to disappear, but I will be strong. I am strong. I need to keep fighting and I need to keep living. There is so much I have to offer this world, and as much as I hate myself, deep down I still believe that. I have words to say, and books to write. I have people to help and inspire. I have a purpose as much as my brain tells me I don't.
"Show me all the scars you hide."
      I wish I could thank her. I wish I could meet Rachel Platten, give her a hug, and thank her for making a difference in my life. No, she didn't save me, but she gives me the strength to save myself. Her music empowers me as I know it does to so many others. She's taking her talents and changing the world one soul at a time, and that is a beautiful thing to be able to do. Take care of yourselves, guys! <3
 

Sunday, September 18, 2016

Suicidal Ideation

"...and then, I have nature and art and poetry, and if that is not enough, what is enough?”
~Van Gogh

      Van Gogh is one of my favorite painters, not just because his art makes me feel something, but because I can relate to his feelings of isolation and self-loathing. If you know anything about Van Gogh, he killed himself via a gunshot. He was terribly depressed, and maybe that's why I connected to him so much as well. Not to sound arrogant, but being someone with a different kind of intelligence makes you feel alone against the world, and I saw that in Van Gogh, and I see it in myself. It's not like I'm an artistic genius, but I'm different.

     The quotation I selected from him is also really personal. I'm an artist, a poet, a writer, and more, but that isn't enough. It isn't enough to satiate this hunger for I don't even know what. I constantly want to do more, achieve more, succeed in more areas. I'm always looking for a way to create some sort of value for my life, but it's never enough. I never feel like it's a good enough reason to stick around, and I hate that.

     I'm suicidal. I've mentioned it before, and that is the topic of today's blog. Often I feel so hopeless, empty, and pained from my day to day life that I just wish it was over. People don't understand me. People don't understand the world. Of course I don't understand everything fully, but I'm an empath. I connect with people more than the average person would. I feel with them rather than for them. This post isn't about how I'm a special snowflake. I don't like talking about my "gifts," because people will think I'm bragging. They might think I think I'm better than them when in reality I think the opposite. I am gifted, though.

     I forget the scale used, but I have an IQ of 135. That is out of a possible 150. On the processing section I scored a perfect 150 meaning that my brain processes at speeds the test cannot even identify. I am cross dominant meaning I think equally with the left and right side of my brain which can create conflict. It can be seen that people with cross-dominance are more likely to be diagnoses with disorders such as anxiety and depression. Now, IQ does not equate intelligence. It's more a capacity for intelligence. The height of your capabilities. Whether or not someone actually reaches that cap is up to the individual, but it is difficult to handle.

     I always feel like I'm wasting this potential. I was born with the abilities to do great things in this world. The Psych who did my testing said I could be a musical genius. I've abandoned every instrument I've ever picked up. I'm a writer. I've written for a long time. I have no motivation to truly finish my work. I have complete drafts, yes, but the works themselves are not polished enough to be considered complete. I rarely work on my art. I slack off on my schoolwork. I'm wasted potential, and I think that pains me the most sometimes. The fact that I'm a waste of space, and not able to do anything right.

     I'm writing this because this is how I feel tonight. I feel so much pain and anger towards myself. I want it to go away. I don't necessarily want to die, because I don't know what death entails. What I want is more like an empty, dreamless slumber. If that's what death's like then that's what I want. I should be grateful for everything I have, but then again I'm allowed to be upset. I've had more than my fair share of tragedies. I can't help but feel guilty, though. This just makes the anger towards myself worse. It's a horrible cycle.

     Why am I even writing this? Is it merely to vent? I'm lost. It's 12:30 AM, I need to be up in five hours, and instead I'm writing a blog post about how I don't want to be alive. There are many more reasons for my self-loathing and suicidality, but I wanted to share with you this one, because it's one I can't talk about. I feel pressure about my intelligence and how I'm wasting it, but how do you say that to someone without sounding stuck-up? I'm not sure. Please take care of yourselves, and I'll try to as well. Lots of love <3

Saturday, September 10, 2016

Self-Loathing

“In one aspect, yes, I believe in ghosts, but we create them. We haunt ourselves.” 
~Laurie Halse Anderson Wintergirls

     I haven't been very active on anything for the past two weeks because I've been in school, and it's been kicking my ass. I have a good schedule, amazing teachers, and I'm even starting to talk to some people a little bit. Still, I've become completely exhausted physically and emotionally. This past night I slept for about twenty hours. If that is not representative of how exhausted I am, then what is? Any who, today I feel like rambling about how I'm feeling. The following blog post may be triggering in regards to the topic of eating disorders and restrictive eating.
     I hate myself. I for a long time have had difficulty learning to love myself or even accept myself inwardly and outwardly. I think I'm disgusting, ugly, and fat. I think I'm obnoxious, awkward, and annoying. Everything I say and do has me cringing and cursing myself on the inside. In school this becomes amplified. I am now around a much larger group of people, most of them strangers, and I find myself harping on my tiniest flaws even more so. Dressing is stressful because I look disgusting in everything, I get nervous speaking, and I just want to hide most of the time.
     I haven't really been eating. I never eat breakfast, and then at lunch I have some sort of snack, but lately have been skipping that as well, just as I did when I was deep in restriction. I usually eat when I get home. I'll have a snack and then a decent dinner, but I'm basically going about 24 hours without eating each time. Part of me loves this because I hope that I can become thin again, or maybe even thinner. At my lowest I was thin, prominent collar bones, slight chest bones, but for the most part I wasn't super skinny and I still wasn't happy. I like to think that maybe I can return to that due to how unhappy I am with my disgusting body. Then again, I don't want to be miserable health wise. Not eating leads to unbearable stomach pangs, fatigue, and a boatload of other symptoms the longer it goes on. I don't want that.
The left is recent, the right is not.
     I made the above photo a few nights ago, because I was angry with myself and so damn hungry. Then I got mad at myself for being mad with myself and made this. I just want to be happy, and isn't that what we all want? Why is it so difficult to accept myself for the way I am? I loathe my very being every single day. I hate my body. I look at pictures of skinny girls and wish I could be them. I don't feel good enough. I don't think I ever will. I try so hard, but I don't know how to make it stop. These are the thoughts that make me want to end my life, because I'm constantly at war with myself, and a war attacking yourself is a battle already lost. I don't really know... lots of love, guys.

Saturday, September 3, 2016

Claddagh

“It's so much darker when a light goes out than it would have been if it had never shone.”
~John Steinbeck 

Claddagh Ring

       A Claddagh, if you are unaware, is a Gaelic symbol. The hands stand for friendship, the heart for love, and the crown for loyalty. It's something that you'll probably see often around people who are quite proud of their Irish heritage. I myself have a Claddagh ring that I have been wearing recently. I am telling you this, because yesterday September 2, 2016 our dog Claddagh died at eleven-years-old.
     It feels like a giant hole was just carved into my heart. When my mom told me what had happened, I was silent for a moment before joining in crying. I felt like I was going to vomit, or pass out, or something. It seemed like the universe hated my family and just wanted to keep throwing us tragedy after tragedy. We can't get a break!
My mom with Claddagh, Laddy.
     Claddagh has been a part of my life since I was around kindergarten aged. My mom and sister went to a puppy mill, which don't even get me started on those, and Claddagh was the one that sort of chose them. Shortly after adopting her, our first dog, Tanner passed away due to chemical exposure from an organophosphate pesticide. I remember how difficult it was when Tanner passed, but this one seems even more bitter, for myself at least. When moving to this new location where we are now, we were not allowed to bring our dogs, Celty and Claddagh, with us. Instead, we had to leave them behind with my grandparents whom they adore. It at least gives me a little peace knowing that she was happier after leaving the home where my dad was.
Celty and Claddagh
     My mom got the call today from my grandmother that Laddy passed away yesterday. Her legs had given out and they had to put her down. She's cremated, just as Tanner was. I heard my mom sobbing from the other room, and being the over-protective person I am I followed to hear the news. I don't really know how to process this. I've stopped crying and have calmed down enough to think things through, but I don't even know what to say or how to further react. Nobody gets a warning. You never know when it's the last time you're going to be seeing someone. Nobody prepares you for unexpected goodbyes. We still sometimes beat ourselves up, though. We have no way of knowing. 
Our precious baby
     I had the opportunity to visit the dogs and my grandparents this summer, but I didn't. I'm holding resentment towards myself. I know I shouldn't, but I just feel like I didn't spend enough time with her. I didn't show her enough love. I'm beginning to cry again, because it just doesn't seem fair and I know everyone says that when something bad happens, but I just can't catch a break. We can't catch a break. I have my privileges. I have my blessings, but life has not been good to me, or my mom, or my siblings. It's supposed to make us "stronger," but why do I feel so weak?
Front: Laddy, and Aiden Back: Me, Morgan, and Celty
    She was a beautiful dog, gorgeous, red coat. She was calm, gentle, and so loving. The picture with her and Celty cracks me up because they look like a yin yang. Celty is my little demon, and Laddy was our angel. It's always been like that. I always say when someone dies to try to make their memory live on. I've wanted to make a children's books for years now about my dogs, and I think I just might.
Morgan and Laddy
 I love you so much, baby girl <3

Wednesday, August 31, 2016

Perfection

“Have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it.” 
~Salvador Dalí

     Perfection is an interesting concept, because it's not something that can truly be measured since it's all based on perception. What you perceive as perfection I may not, and that's when using the term perfect can become very dangerous. 

     I was at lunch today, and sat with a girl from my theatre class. She was telling me how her mother expects her to be perfect which set off red flags. My heart immediately ached for her, because it can be so damaging to someone's self-esteem when they strive for something that doesn't even exist, and it's so common for this to happen! You know how annoying those kids are that cry over a ninety-five on a test, and you may be like, "What's the big deal? That's a good grade!" I agree, that is a completely acceptable grade, but the pressure to be perfect has grabbed so many of us and distorts what is and is not acceptable. They don't see a ninety-five as just a ninety-five. It's disappointment, it's them being so close, it's them not being "good enough." This is a really unhealthy thought pattern to get into, but so many of us think this way about something.

     The truth is, while this topic was spurred by a quick discussion at lunch, the whole idea of perfection can completely ruin my day. For instance, I made two mistakes today that made me so angry at myself, mistakes that probably seem small. First, I was supposed to meet a teacher before school about a calculator, but I got nervous since I didn't know when I was allowed to speak with her. This made me anxious, and I just didn't show up. She didn't seem too angry when fourth period rolled around, but I felt like she would hate me. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't competent enough. I had messed up. The second instance was even worse. I lost my phone. In a school of 2000+ students, I lost my phone, and I didn't notice until I was already on the bus headed home. I began to panic. I began beating myself up over how stupid I had been and how thoughtless. My family doesn't have money; I can't replace a phone. I even started having suicidal thoughts, because I just couldn't handle that I was so worthless.

     Thankfully, when I got home my mom called the school, and since I recalled the exact last moment I had it, she was able to give the room number I was in and it was still there. The problem was easily solved, no stress, right? Tomorrow I'll be able to retrieve my phone from somewhere, but that story reminds me of how easily it is to hate yourself over tiny things. It's ingrained in our brains that we must be the best of students, the best of children, the best of athletes or whatever it is you do. Sure, they say you can make mistakes, but they passively throw all of the consequences into your face for not doing well which sends the distorted message of perfection. Of course, not all parents, or people are like this, but there are many ways that we can learn to believe that our mistakes are faults instead of just an okay part of life.

     It can become an obsession, and it can even turn to mental illness. Perfection is unattainable. It doesn't exist! No matter how well you do, whatever that means to you, there will always be something else. This yearn to be faultless causes anxiety, stress, depression, and is often the cause of eating disorders and suicide attempts. I'm not perfect. You're not perfect. The person you look up to most is not perfect, and that's okay, because as long as we accept our faults, and try our best to keep bad things from happening, or doing wrong, then we've done well. It's hard to accept; I get it. I go through this dialogue with myself all the time, because I still struggle with a lot of self-loathing, but like Dalí says, it does not do to fixate on perfection, because you'll only wonder why you can't reach it. Take care of yourselves, and lots of love. <3
 


 

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Who Am I?

    Introduction
     If you're anything like me, then the words "Who Am I?" will automatically spur the number 24601, and I think that already says a lot as towards who I am, but rest assured, I won't be stealing any bread. Anyway, I'm creating this post to introduce myself, Ryenn, or Ry if you'd like. I was inspired by Izzy K whose blog is linked on her name. I've known that she's done blogging for quite some time, but I've never looked into it or thought of starting my own. However, when I thought about it, running a blog would be very beneficial.
     I already film Youtube videos about my experiences which you can see at WinteryGarnet, but I don't always have the capability to speak about everything I'd like to in a short video, or I'm not feeling up to making myself look presentable to film. A blog is the perfect outlet to express my thoughts, and opinions in an open, personal environment. So if you're interested, here's a bit about me.

Basics
     I am currently seventeen years-old, but shall be eighteen in January. However, I'm only in my 11th year of high school because I "took a year off" (was still doing minimal work) for mental health purposes since I was mostly in hospitals during the year 2015.
     I live in a small apartment in Pennsylvania with my mother and little brother. I also have a sister, but she goes to college not too far away. I have two dogs, but they live with my grandparents four hours north because we couldn't take them for the move, and our apartment does not allow pets. It's sad, I know.

Likes
     I am 100% obsessed with musical theatre, especially Les Mis and Hamilton. Other favorites include, Wicked, Mary Poppins, Into the Woods, Beauty and the Beast, and Oliver. I'm also a huge play person, and have acted in several of them. Here's a picture of me being a troll:
I had a funky wig and makeup in the actual show!

      I am a total literature NERD! I love books. I love writing. I love writing books. Honestly, I live for stories and poetry. Some time I'll probably share some poetry or ideas for books that pop into my head, because I have a constant stream of dialogue through out the day inside my brain!

Personal History
     A topic that I'll probably blog a lot about is my mental health and how I cope with it. It'll be a bit more personal than my Youtube is, and I'll trigger warning everything that needs it. I'm diagnosed with depression, anxiety, PTSD, and EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, which was anorexia in my ED's earlier manifestations.) I've struggled mostly with suicidal ideation, self-harm, and self-starvation due to a lot of things in my life. I'm in recovery, but obviously they still impact me.
Conclusion
     So whether you join me on this journey of self-discovery and analysis, I wish you the best! Life can be really difficult sometimes, so here are my rambles. Thank you so much for reading, and lots of love! <3